Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
a lot to unpack here
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.