In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?