Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.