I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Thursday
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.