Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
You Might Also Like
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.