whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her