Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk