There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My neck my back my allergy attack
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn