I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
FRED: right
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Oh. My. God.