Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
No Google it does not
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning