Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.