Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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Since I鈥檓 working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Don鈥檛 tell me I鈥檓 not spontaneous. I didn鈥檛 plan that nap at all.
The secret to a good marriage is that it鈥檚 all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can鈥檛 help you now
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don鈥檛 make that much money i promise you bro 馃槶 馃槵
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I鈥檓 good for it just let me live here bro you don鈥檛 have to worry about me fr I promise 馃槫馃
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn鈥檛 afford a car.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You can鈥檛 make me happy, you鈥檙e not a bag of chips.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we鈥檙e all talking about them and i鈥檓 just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we鈥檙e not allowed to know and that鈥檚 the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won鈥檛 tell i swear
Me: If I were you, I鈥檇 confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn鈥檛. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I鈥檇 do what you鈥檙e doing
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Ok, I鈥檝e joined #Mastodon but also this
The baby bites me a lot cuz she鈥檚 teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.