One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Mission: Impossible
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”