Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I have questions??
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.