ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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Potatoes were such a good idea
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?