My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Important
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science