I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying