Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
This is painfully accurate 😅
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.