I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Friday
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.