The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
iPhone X
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history