I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes