A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My blood type is coffee.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.