Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.