What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
not to brag, but mine was free
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.