Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?