“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Happy Febuary everyone!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter