Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door