I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
A choir of Spring onions
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.