Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.