COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.