Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Pot warmers of the day.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.