I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
scares
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2