interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
You Might Also Like
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.