[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Guantanamo Bae
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”