#Caturday
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”