JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*