I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
same vibe as tangled headphones
Guilty! 🤪
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.