One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician