Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Yes my dude
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”