Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.