My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful