Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”