Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I have so many questions.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?