If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
WTF
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.