*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
You Might Also Like
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion