3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.