I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?