Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
These are too funny not to post 😂
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”