Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
You Might Also Like
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
omg leave her alone
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no