This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
You Might Also Like
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent